The Very Secret Diary of Eowyn
by Linmenel
Summary: I hope it does the real V.S.D's justice. My attempt at being funny, hope you enjoy it ^_^ P.S. I do not own the V.S.D's They belong to Cassandra Claire.


Day 1 

Born today. Not fair. Life is not worth living, especially with golden-haired brother who resembles yours truly a little too much for comfort. At least I received traits from mother's side as well, although, I'm not so sure what they are yet.

Day 2800

Mother died today, committed suicide. Last words were "Eowyn, I pray that you will not suffer as I have." Then jumped off unreasonably high wall of Helm's deep. Brother then made a point to tell father that wall was too high, and did not want "suicidal sister" jumping off as well. Wonder what he meant.

__

..later.. 

Realized what he meant. Know now that trait from mother is stupid suicidal gene. Realized this when felt the uncontrollable need to play with sharp knifes at dinner. Decided will shut self up in room and become sullen and depressed.

Day 3001

Depression complete! Have tried to kill self 213 times since last wrote. All unsuccessful because stupid brother provides padded walls and straightjackets. Growing v. angry seeing brother ride about like he's the King. Wish to tell him that he's not the king, and will never be so long as Uncle Theoden is alive. Will give him note today.

.._later.._

Have given note, Eomer not happy. Told me that I am a disgrace to house of Eorl. Hate Eomer. Maybe try to kill him instead of me, perhaps be more successful.

__

..later.. 

Have tried to kill him. Again unsuccessful because of stupid straightjacket. So tried to bite him. Have now been placed in muzzle. Most uncomfortable. Loath brother. Also loath how am always mistaken for him in public. True, our names are similar and hair is identical, but so what? It's quite obvious that I am female, that I know that I won't ever be king, and (after various attempts at throwing self out window) am the one with suicidal gene. Will tolerate no more, however. Have decided to dye hair black to go better with suicidal attitude. Perhaps change name as well. Thinking of something original like "Kate". Will write later on outcome.

Day 3002

Brother has decided to act all important (because obviously can't in other areas) and send me off to stupid uncle Theoden's house. Good point will be no need for name change and hair dye. Bad point is house is will only have old decaying uncle and his love-slave for company. At least will then have good things to write in suicide note, which I have now re-drafted 23 times. Hopefully will have written final copy by the time suicide is successful. 

Day 3029

Hate Edoras. Stupid gold cheery city with stupid men always saying how "beautiful" I am. Does not go well with sullen depressive suicidal tendencies! Try to induce pity, and they gawk and stare and deliver compliments! Even when walk out on high balcony to try and kill self, they stop and admire me. Have tried to see past this. After all, no more straightjackets, and many many high balconies with good chances of suicidal success. Will see what can be done tomorrow.

Day 3030

Suicide attempt foiled again, but this time for good I think. Theoden's love-slave Wormtounge walked onto balcony at most inopportune moment, thinking I was Theoden. Turned to see little, deformed, hairy, creature in pink lacey corset and thigh-high fishnets. After seeing most disturbing sight, have decided that my life was not that bad, at least I am not as hideous as poor misshapen creature. Will actually live life if can ever get past suicidal gene. Stupid suicidal gene.

Day 4015

Good thing actually happened today! V. happy because have been sober of death for some time now (stupid 12 step program), and feel I needed a reward. V. attractive rugged manly type named Aragorn showed up today. Am quite smitten. Yet, the only men have ever known are old King Theoden and wanna-be brother. Was unsure how to commence in practice known as "flirting", so instead drew dangerously sharp sword and attacked him. Think it went over well. 

Day 4016

Aragorn left for Helm's deep with stupid Eomer today. I mean, honestly, it wasn't enough to for him to have the hair, the non-suicidal gene, and our father's house. Now he's taking my men too? Stupid suicidal gene is acting up again. Hate that I am me and not brave brother with boyish charm that seems to attract rugged and manly types. Will walk out on balcony again, perhaps jump. 

Day 4017

Jumped, but fall was broken by oh-so-annoying love-slave who was running away for some reason. Theoden must have grown tired of pink corset. Think Theoden is in a type of mid-life-crisis as is talking about "being young again" and "riding brand new horse". Have reminded him of his age and that he was no longer young, but he shook off suggestion saying that I should "tend to the castle". Hate these old-fashioned men. If he's going to go through mid-life-crisis, he ought to try to be a bit more current. 

Day 4025

Aragorn returned, yay! But wants to leave again. Asked him why, saying that he had a perfectly good woman here. But he just looked out to the sky and said "No Eowyn, there is another out there for me." Suspect that he fancies the little blue-eyed hobbit that I have heard tell about. Stupid heirs of Isildur have always fancied them so. Am not jealous however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 4030

Can no longer stay in palace! Must go off and woo Aragorn! Was unsure about how to do this, but have finally decided that proper way to make him fall for me is to dress up as a man and pretend to be one of his soldiers. 

__

..later..

Have seen a hobbit for the first time! Can see why Aragorn likes them so, are quite cute. Decided to ask little depressed hobbit to ride with me, despite his strange fascination with vegetables. Figure that we can bond, perhaps trade past suicidal experiences (am sure he was once suicidal). It is strange though, for always have tendency to call him "Pippin" will try to correct this, for he says his name is "Merry"

Day 4045

V. Sad day. Went into battle, and poor Theoden was killed. All say that was the Nazgul that killed him, but I am sure it was not. Saw Eomer putting trip wire under Snowmane's hoofs before battle. Obviously still wants to rule Rohan. Stupid Brother. 

Also, Aragorn showed no signs of appearing, believed him to be dead, so took off man's clothes. Merry seemed to be most disappointed at this, so of course, suicidal gene kicked in. Ran up to Nazgul saying "Kill me if you can!" and laughing evilly. Did not think Nazgul would actually try. Most unexpected. Luckily, was saved by adorable suicidal hobbit, which charged at him as well. Decided that I rather fancy this Pippin….Merry…whomever he is. Nevertheless, stabbed by Morgul blade, am unconscious. Have been put in room with other unconscious suicidal type named Faramir. Think I will get to know him.

Day 4070

At first thought Faramir was a decent man. Had some of the manly stubble as Aragorn did, and shared suicidal gene, for is also the second, unloved child of an almost-royal family. V. much like myself

Unfortunately, is all touchy-feely inside. Have had to listen to endless babble about love and long-term relationships while in the house of healing. Find suicidal gene resurfacing quite often when around him. Also, have started to cry a lot. Hope that wimpy tendencies have not rubbed off on me.

Day 5000

::sigh:: is clear that Ranger-type does not like me. Do not know why he does not find me unattractive. After all, I did act rugged and manly, just like him. And what's not to like about that?

Anyway, stupid Faramir keeps whining about marriage and love and whatnot. Have counted, he has asked for my hand twenty-seven times! Finally, could take no more and accepted. At least when we're married I get to own half his kingdom, which I more then I would get with greedy brother, who is now, by some strange stroke of luck, King of Rohan. Stupid Eomer. Stupid Faramir. Stupid life.


End file.
